Yaffa Family Law Group
By: Doreen Yaffa

Monday Message: April 26, 2021

Looking Forward: Building an Amazing Life

Divorce Victim Mentality

People that go through a divorce are all at different levels of emotion afterward. Some move on quickly and others may have a divorce victim mentality. These individuals believe they were wronged and they continue to blame their spouse for the divorce. The problem with this victim mentality is that it makes one spend a lot of time and energy in past-focused thinking, losing all control in the current time.

There are two things you should ask yourself to determine if you’re stuck in a divorce victim mentality.

Do you blame your ex for where you are today?
Do you have thoughts that your ex is causing or has caused you a lot of the problems that you’re dealing with now?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, and you feel defensive about it, then you might have a divorce victim mentality. One of the main characteristics of someone who is dealing with this is blame. They spend a lot of energy and thought on blaming another person for where they are today.

When going through a divorce, it’s very easy to get people on your side and get them to agree that someone did you wrong but you need to be careful with that. Blaming someone else for where you are today will never get you anywhere. Why would you want to give all that power to someone else?

I’ve also noticed that those who deal with a divorce victim mentality do a lot of hiding. They don’t want to socialize or put themselves out there and risk themselves to another failure. They spend a lot of time on past-focused thinking. This is something that can last for years if they don’t get themselves out of this divorce victim mentality.

What do you do about it?

Here’s an example: Your ex brings your child home late. You’re upset about it and blaming them. But if you stop to think about it and are honest with yourself – weren’t they always a little late? Why are you spending so much time on this? When you spend all this time blaming others, you immediately get defensive and angry, causing you to lash out. You are giving all your power to someone else.

Instead, if you feel that defensiveness and blame coming up, take some time to process what’s going on. Think about what your ex did or said and look at it through a different lens. There may even be some truth to it. Use that energy elsewhere.

Check if you have a divorce victim mentality, recognize it, pause before you react, and use your time to create the most amazing life you can live.

Wishing you an amazing week.


Doreen Yaffa

Board Certified Marital & Family Attorney, Life Coach

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