Yaffa Family Law Group
By: Doreen Yaffa

Monday Message: February 22, 2021


Why You Should Leave From a Place of Calm

It is important to understand that there are times when things change or just end. That’s ok. Whether it is a job, a home, or, yes, even a marriage. Though things in our life that were once great may come to an end, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t amazing, beautiful, and successful. You don’t have to leave hating your spouse.

So many people come to see me about leaving their marriage and have a belief they should stay in order for it to have been considered “successful.” These individuals speak about the many great years and now the challenges they are having in deciding to stay married or not. They also ask me how to decide when to file for divorce.

I have used the below concept of being happy with many of my clients. They’ve found it helpful and I hope you will too. The question you should ask yourself is, “If I am happy, why would I want to leave this marriage?” The direct and simple answer is always because you want to. This is your life. You get to decide what you want to do with it. You get to design what you want. It’s where all your power is.

Having a presupposition that one has to be unhappy in their marriage in order to leave reinforces the myth that if we can just change our spouse or other aspects of our marriage this is what will make us happy in our marriage. It is dysfunctional to try to change someone to find your own happiness. Adults get to act and be who they want to be and that is on them. All we can do is decide if the person we are married to is the person (exactly as they are) that we want to be married to. That takes real work on you to find your own happiness outside of what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and you feel a sense of urgency to change something in your marriage, in my opinion, you haven’t done the work needed on yourself first. It’s a clue to slow down and reevaluate yourself and what you want without changing your spouse or anything else in your marriage.

When you can leave your marriage, or anything, slowly and with love, caring and communication, you can do it in a way that honors your marriage and the commitments that you once made. You’re able to open a dialogue and most importantly to not destroy things and all the past wonderfulness of what it was and how it brought you to where you are. Because this is such a deep topic to explore, I’m going to send a follow-up email next week with more details on how to slow down and get the answers you need. Stay tuned…

Wishing you an amazing week.

Doreen Yaffa

Board Certified Marital & Family Attorney, Life Coach

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